


Where The Light Gets In

by AKnightOfWren



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Depression, F/M, Gen, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Mental Illness, Mentions of Attempted Suicide, One Shot, PTSD, Recovery, The Black Dog - Freeform, self care is important
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-18
Updated: 2018-09-18
Packaged: 2019-07-13 17:34:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 885
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16022681
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AKnightOfWren/pseuds/AKnightOfWren
Summary: Something inside me has always been there. But now its awake. And I’m afraid. I don’t know what it is or what to do with it. And I need help.Ben Solo has always struggled with the darkness inside him. But what happens when darkness rises and light to meet it?





	Where The Light Gets In

**Author's Note:**

> So this is my second serious story. This is very personal to me, the things Ben faces in this fic is something I've struggled with deeply this year. Thankfully with help from the people that surround me I'm making the right steps in the right direction. I've been wanting to write this for a while but I think anyone that has battled depression will know what I mean when I say finding the words to describe what goes through your head on a daily basis is a very difficult thing to do. It shows the importance of the role those closest to you play in your battle. 
> 
> I wanted to share this with you all because I never want anyone to feel alone. We are here and we care about you, no matter what your own demon tells you. Let us be the light you need. My door is always open. [Tumblr](https://aknightofwren.tumblr.com)

 

 

_Something inside me has always been there. But now its awake. And I’m afraid. I don’t know what it is or what to do with it. And I need help._

 

Ben laid in the pitch black silence of his bedroom. It was 2:17am and no matter what he did he just couldn’t sleep. He turned one way, and then tossed to the other, but his mind wouldn’t shut down. It felt like whatever way he turned in his life, he was faced with relentless darkness that echoed the coldness he felt inside. 

At times he felt like his mind was being replaced by another, taking away all that made him Ben, and replacing it with the polar opposite. Someone fueled by rage, and pain. Someone that absorbed the darkness around him and turned it into power. Someone that holds the black dog from his nightmares on a leash, threatening to release him at any given moment. “ _ Do it, come on, do it. You know you want to.” _ It whispered in his ear.

He knew that in terms of luck throughout the world, he didn’t have the worst. He had a family and (a few) friends that loved him, a roof over his head and food on his plate. But no matter how many times he kept that thought anchored in his mind, the black dog sat by his side, plaguing and reminding him of all the shadows that swirled and surrounded him, slowly blotting out the small gaps bringing in the light from the seams. Sometimes it made it worse, knowing he didn’t have it as badly as someone else. It increased the guilt. Despite being surrounded by people, he had never felt lonelier.  _ “No one wants you here, they’re better off without you”  _ it whispered.  _ “You’re nothing.” _

Every day felt like groundhog day. He got out of bed and showered, he studied and worked hard, attempting to ignore the voice in his mind. He came home, ate dinner, showered and then got back into bed, waiting for the cycle to repeat again. Night after night the cycle repeated, the swirling darkness that surrounded him, so thick that the only thing he could see were the haunting eyes of the black dog that accompanied him wherever he went.

Then one day, it all came crashing down. The years of holding it in finally shattered the bottle and he let it all out. What good was he to anyone like this? All he did was cause trouble for those around him. He wasn’t the perfect son his parents deserved.  _ “Let the past die. Kill it if you have to.”  _ it whispered, _ “It’s the only way to become what you’re meant to be.”  _ He wanted to let go, he had no place in this story. It was that night that everything changed. The night that his counterpart finally let go of the leash containing his beast and the darkness consumed him. 

After that night, Ben realised the reality of his actions. He saw it in the face of his parents, in the words of his friends and even in people that didn’t really know him. 

He shook his head and fought to take over.  _ “No more” _ he swore to himself. Bit by bit he succeeded in taking back what was his. The darkness slowly being kept at bay, but never quite leaving his mind. 

And then he met her. The human equivalent of the sun. The way it shone in its purest form in her hazel eyes and the warmth she exuded with every smile captured him like a moth to a flame.

Rey was like no other to him. She saw past the darkness consuming his mind and loved him for the man he was. She unearthed the person he had hidden away underneath all the sorrow and pain.

She was the water seeping into the cracks of his mind, freezing and bit by bit breaking them apart, her blinding light flooding in and chasing the darkness away from him and replacing it with glimmering hope and warmth.

She was the person that helped him become the man he always wanted to be, to get over the past that left him so broken inside. She was the hands that held those broken parts together and handed him the tools while he mended them himself. 

Ben rolled onto his side and looked at the clock again. It was  _ 2:45 _ . He sighed and ran his hand through his thick dark hair when he felt her move to press herself against his back, throwing her free arm over his side and nuzzling her face into the back of his thin white t-shirt and felt him relax into her.

He instantly felt the reassurance her presence gave, feeling the warmth and light flood through him, once again pushing the darkness away from his mind as his heart and breathing slowed. 

_ “You’re not alone” _ he hears her whisper to him gently, feeling her shallow breaths against his back.

_ “Neither are you” _ he replied as he entwined his hand with the one she had wrapped across him. 

The last thing he was conscious of as he finally drifted off to sleep were the glimpses of every potential future he had containing the light that had risen to meet his darkness. 

  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> If you've gotten to the end of this, thank you. As I said above this is a very personal story and its taken a lot for me to post it. I seriously want to give a massive thank you to [LoveOfEscapism](https://archiveofourown.org/users/LoveOfEscapism), [AlbaStarGazer](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlbaStarGazer), and [Dryless](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dryless). I never realised how much friends you meet online can mean so much to you and I mean it when I say you ladies have been the friends I never thought I'd have in life. And to the ladies of The Writing Den, just knowing I have a community that I'm accepted in no matter my state of mind means the world to me, and I'm sure does to many others too. <3
> 
> If you suffer with anything mentioned in this fic *please* get the help you need. You don't need to suffer alone.


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